I have been told way too many times that I act older than I should. That I should learn to grow down a little because I'm concerned about my future. That I should stop and let the future happen and stop trying to control it.
Why is wanting to look forward such a bad thing? I've always been a bit ... mature for my age, If that's the word. I mean, It's always good to plan forward... Right? Right? Some people think otherwise. I'm scared for my future and I'm not even a senior yet. I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do and It's stressing me out to no end.
But I do understand why others would like me to appreciate my youth. I know there are things that I could do now that I'd just look ridiculous doing while older. It’s like… I don’t want to grow up. But I don’t want to stay young too, you know? I don’t know the balance of the two. I wish I did. I think I think too much of the future and not enough of what I could be doing now. I graduate next year, and I still don’t know what to do. I have no idea what I want to do. The idea of University scares me. I don’t want to have to worry about it, But 10-15 years from now I won’t be living here. I won’t be on my way to school every morning, bleary eyed and tired. I may be married, Hell, I may even have a few kids of my own. I’m going to be called “mom” or Mrs.(insert last name here). I won’t ever be addressed to again as “Ms. Jasmine Villanueva”. It scares me so much. I could be working in an office or as a teacher. I have no control over my future and whats in it. All the decisions I make at this time could affect and change my lifestyle in the future forever. I get scared because what if I make the wrong choice? What if I end up lonely and sad? What if I’m all alone in the world because of a single decision I make now?
I just … wish I could stop the world for a bit. Just … simply sit alone for a while and just think.
But the clock doesn’t stop ticking. Every second goes by like a grain of sand and the only thing we can do now is move forward. ... And that's what scares me most.